Present company excluded
Phone rings.
Friend: “It’s your birthday, so tell me what to get you for a gift.”
Me: “I don’t need another thing. Please. Just forget it.”
Friend: “Absolutely not. I only need a suggestion.”
Me: “Look, forget it. I cannot use another thing.”
Friend: “OK. I won’t ask anymore. I’ll just get you a sweater.”
Me: “You got me that last year.”
Friend: “No more arguments. I’m getting a sweater.”
Me: “Please. I have so many that sheep in Mongolia are lined up for me.”
Friend: “What color, green? How about a spring color like green?”
Me: “Look, let’s not do this. I don’t want green. I don’t even wear green.”
Friend: “OK, red.”
Me: “So, OK, red.”
Friend. “So what color red — orange-y, purple, pinkish?”
Me: “Please, I don’t care. I don’t even want the thing.”
Friend: “No need to get cranky. I’m only asking a simple thing. Turtleneck? Long-sleeve? Buttons? No buttons? What?”
Me: “OK. Cardigan.”
Friend: “And what if they don’t have a cardigan?”
Me: “Then forget the damn thing altogether. Please. I don’t even want it.”
Friend: “If not a cardigan, how about turtleneck?”
Me: “A turtleneck goes over the head and ruins your hair.”
Friend: “You’re being so difficult.”
Me: “Not being difficult. I simply can’t think of anything. And don’t want you spending money on anything that won’t work. Forget it. Send me some flowers. Or a container of chicken soup.”
Friend: “With or without a matzo ball.”
Me: “Matzo ball.”
Friend: “And what if they don’t have any?”
One for the history books
To honor this majestic day of my birth, here’s what happened in the city:
A health aide alleged discrimination after reporting an elderly patient touched themselves in front of her. Plus someone somewhere lodged some false arrest thing, and we had some subsequent body cavity search.
Also, a ceiling collapsed and a missing handrail caused another injury.
Then, bed bugs got found in a hotel, and there was an assault in an elevator, and the city sued for a construction. In addition to injury.
More: Hospitals sued somebody else, people fell on sidewalks, someone started a lawsuit against someone for breach of contract and American Express wants credit card holders to pay their charges.
In addition, we had a few car accidents, and we had asbestos exposure and more.
For NYC and me — a really special half bad day.
The immortal Sigmund Freud once said to a patient: “No, you’re not paranoid. No, you’re not being followed. You just have toilet paper stuck to your shoe.”
Only remembered in New York, kids, only remembered in New York.