BED ’N’ BORED
From secret fantasies to ‘get me pregnant’ pressure – real reason why 60% of Brit men are unsatisfied with sex lives
Men also talk about being worried that their wives aren't attracted to them as they grow older
SWINGING from the chandeliers has been replaced with an awkward silence in millions of British bedrooms.
And you may be surprised to learn it is men who are facing a sexual crisis.
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In the latest British Medical Journal survey, 60 per cent of blokes said they were unhappy with their sex lives.
More than half of them have had erectile dysfunction, while this month 22 per cent of young men admitted they would be more willing to give up sex than time on their phone.
“Men’s sex lives are facing unprecedented challenges,” says Sarah Mulindwa, sexual health expert and host of Channel 4’s The Sex Clinic.
“The landscape is fraught with issues like surging porn consumption as half of men in Britain watch porn regularly, confidence set-backs and the increase of erectile dysfunction.
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“Even excessive social media use is damaging, as they are losing the ability to connect.
“These factors collectively contribute to a decline in overall sexual satisfaction among men that seems to not have touched women in the same way.”
If you’re in a relationship and regularly hitting the sheets, you may think your other half is satisfied.
But have you ever wondered what they think?
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Here, Nikki Watkins speaks to five men who are married or in long-term relationships about their sexual relationships, and Sarah offers her advice.
MY WIFE DOESN’T SEEM TO FANCY ME NOW I’M OVER 50
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LAURENCE, aged 56, from South London, said: “My wife and I have a lovely relationship.
“We had kids in our early 20s, but they are now grown-up and have flown the nest.
“During the young children era of our relationship things were so hectic and our sex life went from three times a week pre-kids to once a fortnight.
“But, crucially, the sex was still amazing.
“We fancied each other, she always orgasmed and it was fun.
“But now when sex should be more frequent, as we have the house to ourselves again, sex has basically stopped.
Nobody wants to feel like a reject between the sheets. I have never felt more fed up about my love life
Laurence
“We are having it every few months, and I feel like she doesn’t fancy me any more now I’m older.
“When we do get intimate, her heart isn’t in it.
“I initiate sex every week, but she pushes me off and when we do become intimate, I can tell she cannot wait for it to be over.
“Nobody wants to feel like a reject between the sheets. I have never felt more fed up about my love life.”
Sarah says: “Feeling rejected by your love in bed is sad, and when this is happening you feel your sex life is unsatisfying.
“The first step should be to try to talk. Definitely suggest couples counselling — they can give great tips to bring that sex life back to what it was.”
PORN MAKES SEX WITH MY GIRL SEEM DULL
BEN (name changed), 41, from, Lancs, says: “I’ve been with my girlfriend for four years, I’m always the one to take charge in bed.
“It turns her on for me to act dominant. Secretly, though, I fantasize about the tables being turned.
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“I’d love her to be in charge, to boss me about and treat me like a submissive weakling.
“In private I watch lots of porn where men are mocked, teased and humiliated by latex-clad women.
“My girlfriend just doesn’t have that commanding attitude, so I think she’d freak out if she knew I was getting off to videos of guys being whipped.
“I once suggested she could try spanking me but she thought I was joking.
“There was a storyline about a very submissive man in a show we were watching, and she commented that people could do what they wanted, but she’d be turned off by a guy acting so ‘pathetic’. My heart just sank.
“I have Googled ‘hire a dominatrix’ more times than I can count, but not had the guts to go through with it yet, as I know it would be the end of my relationship if my girlfriend found out.
“I love her, she’s smart, funny and stunning but increasingly I worry that we’re sexually incompatible.
“I don’t think I can live my whole life without exploring my ‘perverted’ side.”
Sarah says: “The secrecy around porn habits and desires for submission may be causing misery and straining your relationship.
“It’s essential for couples to have open and honest conversations about their fantasies so both can have a chance to air opinions.
“Keeping these desires hidden and seeking fulfillment elsewhere could ultimately lead to further distance, dissatisfaction and could potentially be the catalyst to the end of an otherwise great relationship.”
PRESSURE TO CONCEIVE HAS RUINED SEX
IRFAN (name changed), age 38, from Derbyshire, says: “My wife and I are trying to conceive our second child.
“I am hating the process, as sex used to feel spontaneous and natural.
“Now she uses a fertility tracking app to tell us when she’s most likely to get pregnant, and we have to jump straight into bed when her phone prompts.
“The pressure is immense, the romance has totally gone and every month when her period comes I feel like a failure.
“I also hate that my parents-in-law now know so much about my love life.
The pressure is immense, the romance has totally gone and every month when her period comes I feel like a failure
Irfan
“My father-in-law makes jokes about how I must be ‘enjoying all the practice’. It makes me want to die of embarrassment, and I feel more of a failure.
“Also, once we had our first baby two years ago, it feels that she just cares about the kid and isn’t bothered about me.”
Sarah says: “The pressure couples experience while trying to conceive can be overwhelming, but there are ways to alleviate it.
“Communication is key — express your feelings openly, highlighting that you feel uncomfortable with her parents knowing the intricacies of the process!
“Find moments to reconnect outside of the fertility schedule.
“Consider seeking support from a counselor or therapist who specialises in fertility issues to help navigate the emotional strain.
“Remember, you’re not alone in feeling this pressure, and it’s important to prioritise your mental and emotional well-being.”
TURNED OFF BY HER BEDROOM THEATRICS
JACKSON (name changed), 27, from Manchester says: “I fancy my girlfriend so much and she’s such a sweet, kind person.
Sex with her should be mind-blowing, but the problem is that she tries too hard. She always acts like she’s in a cheesy porno.
“During foreplay, she switches on this cooing baby voice that’s nothing like how she usually speaks.
“Then, when we’re actually making love, she acts so over-the-top: panting, sighing and gasping really loudly.
Remember, it is not just men’s lives affected by porn, but women too
Sarah Mulindwa
“It seems so fake that I can’t believe she’s actually having a good time. I think she believes this is what men want, but for me this is making sex very tense.”
Sarah says: “Having someone who wants to make you happy in bed is such a lovely thing, there is every chance in this situation this man is ruining sex for himself needlessly.
“Remember, it is not just men’s lives affected by porn, but women too.
“A sixth of women in the UK watch porn regularly and, across the board, the UK has the second highest number of internet pornography searches in the world.
“Maybe this lady is simply enjoying herself or maybe she feels the need to perform, but all you, and men across the UK, need to do is talk.
“A lack of conversation is a toxic habit that can end relationships.”
I CANNOT CLIMAX WITH MY WIFE
MATT, aged 42, from Aberdeenshire, says: “Sex has been nothing but stress for me for the past year.
“I went through a rough patch after my dad died, and my doctor prescribed a type of anti-depressants called SSRIs to help with my low mood.
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“The medication was helpful but I wasn’t warned that one of the possible side-effects for men is difficulty ejaculating.
“This happened to me and it has been a nightmare.
“My wife of 13 years was lovely about it at first but, as the problem continued, she wrongly began to worry that I wasn’t ejaculating because I didn’t find her attractive.
“On more than one occasion she ended up crying in the bathroom, blaming herself. We were both sore, tired and sad.
“I looked online for help and found men had got relief by changing their anti-depressants or adjusting the dose.
I’m talking to my doctor about that. I just wish I’d known earlier as this has made my sex life stressful and unsatisfying.”
Sarah says: “Around 11.7million Uk men say they struggled with sex, with one in eight experiencing problems every time.
“Impotence occurs when you’re unable to achieve an erection, maintain one or can’t ejaculate on a consistent basis.
“Impotence rates have doubled over the past 25 years, with up to half of men under the age of 50 suffering erectile dysfunction according to a recent report.
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“This is clearly rocking the confidence of the men affected, along with their sex life.
“But the positive thing is often it can have an easy fix after a chat with your GP.”
TIPS TO PUT THE MAGIC BACK
HERE Channel 4 sex expert Sarah Mulindwa offers tips to revitalise your sex life with your man.
She says: “Are you experiencing a decline in your sex life?
“For women, fluctuations in libido are common, especially after childbirth or during menopause.
“Contrary to the belief that men think about sex 19 times a day – it’s important to note that males also go through periods of reduced sexual drive or anxiety.
“In long-term relationships, there are essential steps to take to ensure a fulfilling and healthy sex life.
“These include open communication about your desires and concerns, prioritising intimacy through quality time together, exploring new experiences in the bedroom, focusing on foreplay, addressing underlying issues affecting intimacy, practising self-care, and nurturing the emotional connection.
“By implementing these strategies, couples can manage to revitalise their sex life and strengthen their relationship.”