DEAR DEIDRE
My husband has cheated on me for more than 20 years and is still paying for sex
He goads me into having arguments so he can walk out and spend weekends with his lover
DEAR DEIDRE: MY husband has cheated on me for more than 20 years and even after he promised me it was over, I found he was still paying the same woman for sex.
He has always lived a Peter Pan existence, never wanting to grow up and refusing to take on any real responsibility despite fathering our four children.
I am 54 and he is 56.
We have been married for 25 years and I’ve spent most of that time bringing up our now adult children alone, while he indulged himself elsewhere.
I have spent years feeling lonely and miserable.
After I discovered his affair five years ago, he promised me he had ended it.
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But he told me they would remain friends. She is a single mum with two children.
And I found out through their messages that even after their affair officially ended he still paid her for sex.
He is the breadwinner, and he’s always kept his spending a secret and given me a tiny budget to run the house.
Sometimes he refuses to give me no allowance at all, saying I haven’t kept the house clean enough.
He always has to be in complete control, with me doing exactly what he wants.
He goads me into having arguments so he can walk out and spend weekends with his lover.
Dear Deidre on relationships, jealousy and envy
I finally had enough and told his family how his behaviour was affect-ing me, but even then he tried to blame me.
Privately, he told me I should have left him if I felt so unhappy.
But he told his mum he loves me and wants our relationship to work.
I am not sure how I feel because he is still in denial and won’t admit to my face what he has done.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: It is difficult to see how you can rescue your relationship.
Your husband hasn’t once apologised for his lengthy affair, paying for sex, or his abusive and controlling behaviour.
Until he’s ready to admit his mistakes, genuinely apologise and make changes, there is no real relationship to rebuild.
His track record shows he hasn’t put you or your marriage first and is unlikely to do so now.
Still, whether you want to try and repair your relationship or go your separate ways, it would be useful to see a counsellor who can help you both deal with a challenging transition with dignity.
My support packs Domestic Abuse and Thinking Of Divorce will help.