Dear Deidre
I suspected my wife was cheating but never dreamed she would have an affair with a woman – I’m devastated
I don’t know who she is any more and that my whole marriage was a lie
DEAR DEIDRE: I NEVER dreamed that my wife would have an affair with another woman.
Although I suspected she was cheating, I didn’t know she was a lesbian. I’m devastated.
I’m 48 and she’s 46. We’ve been married for 19 years and have two teenage children.
Over the past few years, since the pandemic, our relationship has been difficult.
We both started working from home and found it claustrophobic. Our sex life, which was already on the wane, died almost entirely.
When I tried to talk to her about it, she said it was normal after so long together. In retrospect, I think that was just an excuse.
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I had my suspicions when she started going out a lot in the evenings and being cagey with her phone.
As she’d changed all her passwords, I had no way of seeing her messages.
I put up with it for months until, one night, I decided to follow her into town. I felt ridiculous and hoped I was wrong, that she was just meeting some friends.
She went into a bar and I waited outside. Through the window, I saw her sitting with a woman I didn’t recognise.
For a moment, I was relieved. I was ready to turn around and go home when they started kissing.
Their hands were all over each other. And then I realised that it was a gay bar. I was so shocked, I started shaking.
I’m avoiding her now because I don’t know what to say. I feel like I don’t know who she is any more and that my whole marriage was a lie.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Catching your wife cheating, especially when you had no idea she liked women, has left you reeling. But sexuality isn’t black and white.
While it’s possible she has always fancied women, this could also be about exploring her sexuality, or perhaps she’s fallen for this particular woman.
It doesn’t mean she’s never been interested in you and, of course, doesn’t excuse the fact she’s cheated on you.
You deserve the truth so, as difficult as it will be, ask her to be honest with you about this affair and this woman.
This is the only way you’ll learn if you want to try to repair your marriage, or even if it’s viable.
Counselling, both alone and together, if she agrees, will help you come to terms with this and your feelings about it.
See my Counselling support pack for more information.
Dear Deidre: Spotting the signs your partner is cheating